I don't think I've mentioned that up until today, I have not cried. I'm not sure why. Too busy coping, learning and assuring everyone that we are okay. And we are. Okay. It will be. Okay. But I am human and I am a mom.
I got up at 3:15 am to do Seth's middle of the night check. I stumbled into his room, hissed at the dog to be quiet and reached for his warm hand. He slept through, blissfully unaware. I blinked through my sleep heavy eyes at the screen and saw he was starting to go low, 90. Crap. So I woke him enough to drink a juice box from the stash in my closet, and he drifted back to sleep. Thus began the checks every 20 minutes until his number climbed back to a normal range and I could fall back into bed sometime close to 5:00. I knew I should have just stayed up at that point, but I was so tired, an hour of sleep sounded like bliss. I instantly fell asleep and must have turned my alarm off when it went off at 6:00, because the next thing I know my eyes fly open and it is 7:10. UH OH! We haven't figured out how to hurry with our new morning routine yet. I send an email to my boss go wake Seth up.
Seth's body is exhausted from being out of whack for so long. He begs and cries for me to let him stay home from school so he can sleep. I wish I could let him, but I can't let him stay home alone right now until we have better control and he is better able to manage on his own. So, I have to be tough and make him get up. It was not pretty and he is super cranky when he comes downstairs. I make the kids whole wheat pancakes with sugar free syrup and sausage for breakfast, with a small glass of milk, because the quick days of cereal are behind us. We figured out that Seth's breakfast carbs were 45. He tested and was at 115 so he only needed 3 units of insulin to cover for the meal. I oversaw the injection, and ran out to the garage to load the wood boiler and then upstairs to get ready while the kids ate their breakfast.
8:00 found us in the car heading towards the middle school. I called the school nurse to adjust Seth's testing schedule (thank heavens for blue tooth in my car), called the front desk to excuse Seth's tardiness and dropped him off.
As I was heading into town I called my husband to vent about my morning and tell him I needed a little bit more support from him with Seth's bedtime only to get tied up in a huge traffic clog caused by a poor baby moose that had been hit by a car and stopped traffic on the highway.
As I drove past the poor bloodied carcass on the road, I thought of it's poor mother and how panicked she must be feeling. That is when the enormity of this finally hit me and I couldn't hold it back any longer. This is a life threatening illness. We live with the threat of that every day and if we don't manage it correctly the consequences are staggering.
I cried for the huge weight of responsibility I carry from that and for the impact that will have everyday for Seth.
I cried for how unfair this feels.
I cried for not being able to protect my child from this.
I cried for being so grateful that it wasn't cancer.
I cried for all kinds of reasons I can't even put into words.
I was still crying 30 minutes later when I pulled into work and I was so fragile that I was on the verge of tears all day at work. I excused myself often to pull myself together.
And when the nurse called me at 2:00 to tell me that Seth was low AGAIN (70), I wanted to cry, but Seth was so nervous at that point that it was time for me to be strong and help him. Thank you Heavenly Father for giving me strength when I was so depleted. Juice was dispensed and by 2:15 when he needed to get on the bus his number was 111. I called the house at 3:00 to make sure he had gotten home okay and when he answered the phone his voice sounded a little...distant. So I asked him to check his BG while he was on the phone with me...in a panicked voice Seth told me it was 60, I asked him how he felt and he said that his hands were shaking and his legs felt funny. I closed my eyes and tried to remember what the pictograph we have posted on the fridge for this and then decided...he needed to go wake his dad up.
He handed the phone to his dad and I explained what was going on. Peanut Butter crackers were given and Seth's numbers responded well. I called our NP (she has given me her home number, how freaking awesome is that?) and we have a plan in place for adjusting his insulin the next time he goes swimming for an extended time like this, so I am feeling better...but mostly what I am feeling is ready for my husband to wake up so I can go to bed and get some sleep...because today? Today diabetes controlled us and that's just not how we are gonna roll around here.