Kicking it!

If you have stuck with me through all my whines...thank you.  I have put on my big girl panties and we are kicking 2012 back!

Now that we have had more time and a consultation with the doctor, we have discovered that Thyroid Cancer is pretty easy to treat.  Who knew?  And it would have been nice if the doctor would have shared that when he called and dropped the C bomb at 4:45 on a Friday evening and said "lets talk next week about treatment options".  But what do I know?  Maybe he had somewhere to be that was more important than setting our minds at ease.

Turns out they give you a mega dose of thyroid to stop your pituitary gland from producing the hormone that your thyroid normally produces and that the cancer feeds off of.  So...my mom takes a pill and it keeps the cancer in check.

She is still in stage 3 (of 5) Kidney Failure.  It is my understanding that:

Stage 4 = Dialysis
Stage 5 = Transplant list

She meets with the doctor next week to see what Stage 3 means and if it is reversible, etc...this scares me more as it is a huge fear of mine for Seth later in his life.

Seth and his diabetes is really what this blog was designed to be about, it evolved a bit, but it always comes back to that.  Because diabetes is not as easy to treat as thyroid cancer.  :)

Seth is in full diabetes rebellion/burn out.  And.it.super.sucks.

Arguing about testing....check!
Not testing when he's not with me...check!
Lying about his numbers if I don't make him show me the BG screen...check!
Bolusing (giving himself insulin) without testing...check!
Eating without bolusing...check!
Dropping his BG tester that wirelessly transmitted to his pump into the slough...booyah!

BLERGH!!!  The good news is that our insurance has finally seen the light and started covering the strips for my previously purchased Telcare meter...and now that Mr. Smartie has ruined his aforementioned tester that wirelessly transmitted to his pump with slough water, we are again using my beloved Telcare.  I call that a happy natural consequence.  :)

So now there is no lying about numbers or getting away with no testing, because if I don't receive the text with his BG number...he is busted.  I am in LOVE with this meter, it has solved a few of these issues and I am working with Seth on the others while trying my hardest to be empathetic as to what it is like to be in his shoes.

We go in Monday for his quarterly A1C...I fully expect a crummy number.  Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to get through to him how serious this is?  I lay awake at night worrying about what this is doing to his body.  I know I am here to be his parent and not his friend, but this is driving a serious wedge between he and I.  D Moms...I could use some advice.  :)  I have my big girl panties on and I am ready to deal.

Bear with me

Please bear with me...I am flying down to Anchorage to  be with my mom.  She has recovered from her stroke (YAY) but is having surgery Thursday to have 1/2 of her thyroid removed to see if it is cancerous...prayers please?  This will be hubby's first time completely managing D for an extended period where I can't just run home and take care of stuff...pray for them too?

Oh...and good news.  Mitzi is recovering.  She is now walking 75% of the time without the wheelchair.  I'll post video...it's amazing how far she has come. Lot's of good things happening, just need a titch more.  :)

Hugs to all of you.

When it rains it POURS

They say when it rains, it pours...I am in the middle of the storm and I have no idea how to reach shore.  I am a strong person, but this year...2012 has brought me to my knees.  Starting with Seth's diagnosis, a family issue that I am still struggling with, my son's dog's paralysis and on Monday my mom had a mini-stroke.  I am throwing up my flag of surrender, I am not in control in any way shape or form.  I am just along for the ride on this tempest tossed sea of life.

Serenity now! (Any Seinfeld fans out there?)

Mom is home, she has lost use of her right hand, but we are hopeful with therapy she will regain that.  My mom means the world to me.  I cannot imagine my world without her.

~B

Crazytown

Our son tends to internalize his feelings and get angry when he is sad or upset about something.  There has been a whole lot of internalizing and stuffing going on since his diagnosis.  A couple of years ago Seth got his own dog, Mitzi.  She is a firecracker, a bundle of energy and Seth's bud.  He has cried into her fur when D got to be too much, and she always gets it.  She has licked the blood of finger pricks away (gross, but he's a boy), worried with me when he is low and guarded him when I have come in to do middle of the night checks.

Last Friday evening when I got home from work I noticed that she was a bit sluggish, but we chalked it up to her being outside while hubby got ready for our garage sale and wearing herself out.  Her stubby little legs get tired easily.  Saturday she just wanted to snuggle with me, but when I took her downstairs it was apparant that something was wrong, but what.  She was just acting a little different, but there was nothing obviously wrong...we kept her quiet and she wanted to be in her cage, so we moved it into the house, we thought she might be a little bit sick. 

But, when I got home from work on Tuesday, I took one look at her and rushed her to the vet. She could not hold her back end up, it would flop over whenever she tried to stand up and her back feet were rolling over and she was walking on the tops of her feet.  My son had crocodile tears in his eyes when he asked me to "fix her".  I asked if he wanted to come with me and he quickly shook his head and said "no, he didn't want to be there...just in case".

The vet I took her to is a DVM who also practices holistic medicine. So we are doing a lot of alternative treatments as well.

At our appointment on Tuesday the vet determined that Mitzi somehow damaged a disc in her back, it is pretty common in long spined dogs such as her breed.  She was extremely hopeful that Mitzi would recover.  She was still wagging her tail, holding some weight on her back end, and feeling deep pain.

Today we went back, she is still wagging her tail and feeling deep pain.  She is no longer holding weight on her back end and she has lost urine and bowel control.  BUT, the vet is still hoping that once the swelling comes down that she will fully recover.  She asked if we would give her a couple of weeks of working with Mitzi before we make "the decision".

So on top of D, I am trying to save a parapalegic dog.  She is wearing diapers now and I am doing my darndest to "save her" for my son.

D, new job, sick dog, it's always crazy around here, I'm the mayor of crazytown!  :)

A Meaningful Choice

The end of July, the librarian that I work with texted me to tell me about 2 elementary school librarian positions that were open so that I could apply for them if I choose.  I scooted on over to the district website and saw those positions...but I also saw that a position as a library assistant at the high school my kids will be attending in 2 years was open.  I immediately saw the possibilities in this so  I applied.

I have been commuting 35 minutes to work, this school is 10 minutes away and it is only 1/2 mile from the school my children currently attend.  I am right down the road if Seth has a D emergency, there is a LOT of comfort in that, not to mention that the teen/hormone years will be much easier when we can tweak and do our pump magic at school together.  (The other assistant had some asperger issues with her son so they worked out a sign if he wanted to talk to her at school and then they had a place in the stacks they would meet and talk, I think this is a great idea and am going to offer that to my super private son.)

And seriously, how could I pass up the opportunity to work in the same school my kids will attend, get to know the same kids they will know, rub shoulders with the teachers who see them everyday?  If I can't be at home mom...this is the next best thing.

So Mark and I talked and I made the decision to table my dream of being an elementary librarian to further my dream of being mom to my children.  I only have 6 short years (this takes my breath away to even type it) of my children at home...I have plenty of time.  I don't ever want to have regrets.

Yesterday, when I accepted this position, I made a meaningful choice for myself and my family.  I feel blessed.

~B

Lost

Have you ever struggled with where you are?  That's where I am at right now.  REALLY struggling with me and personal (not family) relationships and how they impact my family...and while I am trying to figure it out I have been keeping to myself, it's what I do.  As a mama bear, it is our nature to protect and defend.  But this situation continues to defeat me and I just am at a loss at to how to overcome this continuing the way we have been.  Yet doing something different causes loss and heartache for my children...as I said....STRUGGLING.

My summer is over, I've started back to work...it's always a rough transition from summer to school year.  Especially when the kids are home for 2 weeks while I'm at work getting things ready until their school year starts.

Anyway...

Lost in thought.
~Becky

Heavy hearts

At midnight last night, my husbands cell phone started ringing.  We were hoping that it was his parents, they often forget to look at the clock before calling.  I looked at Mark and said...It could be A.  When he got to his phone and saw that he had missed A's call, our hearts were heavy as he immediately called back and when he answered...we knew.

A was calling to let us know that his son N, their only child, had lost his 5 year battle with cancer.

Our hearts go out to them and what they are going through as well as the battle they fought for 5 years.

The husband of this family is my husbands best friend.  We went out to dinner with them a few nights before N was diagnosed, he had some knee pain that only presented when he was asked to do certain chores.  We were laughing and talking about kids and what they will pull to get out of work.  They had made a doctor appointment for him on Monday to get it looked at, but none of us thought that by Tuesday mom and N would be on a plane to Seattle to begin cancer treatment and their lives would never be the same. It's so unreal to think about...even all this time later.  They were the first to call when we found out Seth had D, we were literally in the doctors office when they called to tell us they were thinking of us and offer support.  We are so blessed to call them friends.

I posted a video on here a while ago that children at Seattle Children's Hospital had made.  This family loved it and hoped it would go viral.  Their son was already in hospice care when the video was made, so he was not in it.  But in honor of their courage, I invite you to watch and get a glimpse of some special children who are fighting everyday to live.  It is inspiring and heartfelt.  To the B family, you are in our prayers.  We watch this in honor of N and the many families who you met on this journey who were fighting the same fight...you touch everyone who's lives you come in contact with.


~The Dustins

I'm afraid to say it

Life has been...normal.

I know I've been very quiet of late.  I looked at the calendar today and realized that I have just under two weeks until I go back to work for the school year.  Ack!  WHERE has the time gone?  We did take a little road trip family vacation to beautiful Homer...which was not as beautiful this year, weather wise. 

While we were there, Seth got to go on a 3 day kayak trip across Kachemak bay.  It was unexpected and unplanned for him to participate.  Once we made a family plan and Seth earned it by managing his own D for the 4 days leading upto it (and did so rather spectaclarly I might add) he got to go.  I typed up a 3 page list of instructions, added an emergency cell phone to our plan and Grandpa kept the boat hooked up to his spare vehicle so we could jump in and go across the bay at a moments notice to provide assistance or get Seth if needed.  Our instructions were for Seth to check in with us each night so we could go over numbers.  He also knew to call us at any other time if there were problems or we needed to troubleshoot.  He missed his first nightly phone call, but called the next morning.  After my talking to, no other phone calls were missed.  :)

The trip would involve a 4 hour paddle to get to their camp site, a 3 mile hike one day, a 7 mile hike another day, swimming in glacier water (uber cold), swimming in the inlet (cold), lots of carby food, staying up late, getting up early, no showers and then a 4 hour paddle back to the Homer Spit.  Sounds like a dream right?

I am happy to report that Seth rocked this trip.  There were so many opportunities for D to rear its ugly head, but it played nice and Seth...got to enjoy being as normal as possible...except for finger sticks and putting his pump in an aquapak to swim in the glacial water that 75% of the boys who went, wouldn't even wade in...but (in his words) he had to represent for North Pole, cause we have thicker blood.

On our way back from Homer, we put Mark on the train to Fairbanks...work calls.  Seth and Leah and I stayed in Anchorage for a couple of day and hung out with my mom.  Then on June 25th, we dropped Seth of for Boy Scout Encampment at the Palmer Fairgrounds.  There were close to 1000 scouts there.  Again we had our plan in place.  And again, Seth rocked it.  I was even getting ready to head out there on Thursday to change his infusion set, but he called me and said he had a dream early that morning, as he was waking up, that leeches were attacking his body and he ripped his infusion set out trying to get them off, so he got a new reservoir of insulin and a new infusion set and hooked himself up.  We've practiced him doing it before and when he told me everything he had done, I knew he'd done it right...mom was not needed...or wanted.  I could just pick him up on Saturday.

When we got home, I downloaded his pump and CGM readings and looked at every single one (yes every 5 minutes worth) while he was at camp.  Not one single low and only 15% of the readings were high and those were brought down within 2 hours.  Seth managed himself, there was medical personnel for emergencies only.  For all the junk food I saw out there, I would say that was rockin' it!

As a side note, we are now 6 months into this journey.  These are things that I couldn't even imagine Seth doing when we got the diagnosis.  Not because he couldn't physially do them, I just couldn't wrap my mind around how we would work out the logistics of it.  We made a decision that D would have to work around us and as often as we can, we stick to that.  That is what we are striving to teach Seth. 
For now things have been calm.  I am not naive enough to think we have this managed or controlled.  We are simply enjoying the lull that IS right now.  And I am trying to settle into my role as D co-pilot instead of pilot. Life goes on.

Sadness and Happiness

I meant to write a post before things got so crazy...and then things got prematurely crazy.

This dog...meant the world to me (I am welling up as I type).  My husband, whom I love very much, is not a touchy feeling person, and as I have mentioned numerous times works nights.  I rescued Peanut 6 years ago and it was instant love for both of us.  And I really don't mean love, I mean LOVE.  I could walk into a room and no matter what her sleep level was, she would lift her head to see if I was just walking through or if I was sitting down so she could come join me.

Peanut was an older dog when I got her and in the last 6 months, I started seeing signs that my time with her was drawing to an end.  We had planned (and are currently on) a 2 week vacation to see my in-laws on the Kenai Peninsula and had butted it up to the week that Seth would be attending Scout Camp in Palmer since they had asked me to stay close by since this is everyone's first year dealing with his diabetes.  Meaning I would be gone for 3 weeks.  I made the difficult decision to have Peanut put down before we went on vacation as I didn't feel it would be fair to have her kept in a kennel for that time and then have her put down when I got back.

So, we left for our family vacation:

And when I saw this:

I felt happiness.  I miss the mountains and the ocean.  It makes me so happy.  So that is where we are, enjoying our family time and I am nursing my broken heart.

:):

Insurance must love us

Our oldest daughter, Ashlyn, has been complaining of knee pain since last August.  We had an MRI done when she came home at Christmas, but our Ortho doctor was out of town and unable to see her before she had to return to Utah and then our life got crazy with Seth's diagnosis.  When Ashlyn met us in Florida for our trip, it was obvious that the knee was getting worse and that it needed to be addressed.  Since she is not attending school at this time, we advised her to come home a little earlier than she planned so we could get the knee looked at and decide what needed to be done.

Ashlyn got home last Sunday (yay):

She started her summer job on Monday.  They were able to start her a couple of weeks earlier than planned.  Tuesday we met with the doctor and learned that her kneecap does not slide easily between her thighbone and her calfbone.  It is a genetic thing that is very common in people who are tall and skinny.  She can work on strengthening her quad muscles to try and pull the knee cap more smoothly, but Ashlyn was weightlifting, running, swimming, playing volleyball and basketball when the knee was so painful that she could hardly walk.  The doctor further said that once she stopped strengthening the quad muscle the pain would immediately come back and increase, so we opted for the surgical procedure to release the ligament and allow the kneecap to move more smoothly.  Here's hoping this solves the issue for her.

Life became crazy this week getting ready for this and now caring for her.  We are ready for 2012 to cut us a little slack, medically speaking.  :)

On the pump front, we ordered Seth's pump on Thursday and are now waiting to see if insurance will approve it.  We are hopeful.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter weekend.  Our family is grateful for the sacrifice that was made on our behalf and for the gift that was given to us through Christ's Resurrection.  I love my savior and know that I would not be able to make this journey without him.

~B

Uphill Battle

I am struggling a bit.  My husband and I are on different pages when it comes to the D care and I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle.  I am a reader and a researcher...It comes naturally.  I am studying to be an elementary librarian and currently work as a library assistant for high school.  So this role comes easily to me and, in truth, Mark relies on me to do just that since he hates reading and researching.  The problem is that right now, as far as D goes, he is not tracking with me..and it shows.  Seth's numbers prior to vacation were relatively normal.  I made a comment to Mark that I was exhausted as we were leaving.  He didn't understand why, so we agreed to let him take over Seth's D care while on vacation so that he could more readily understand what it is I do on a daily basis.  (Hubby works nights and sleeps days, so virtually all care falls to me).

We agreed that we would keep Seth's Lantus on the same schedule there as we do at home, so instead of a 9pm injection, it would be a 1am injection to account for the time difference.  I reminded him that if Seth was over 150 at a meal of 2 hours after a meal he needed to correct using 1 unit of insulin for every 50 he was over.

And I was so exhausted and NEEDED him to understand what it is I do to keep Seth in range, that control freak me let it go...completely.  I set the alarm for 3 am checks and headed to bed.  Most nights we were still up at 1 am, so the Lantus shot was not a problem.  Where the problems began was Mark decided that rather than correct between meals, they would just do it at meals.  Since I am a huge Disney freak, Mark and Seth spent more time at the resort and pool than the girls did, we spent a majority of our time at the parks.  So, I did not know that correcting was NOT happening.  This created a bond, if you will, between Mark and Seth, because Seth Hates correcting between meals, he really fights me on it.

Further, one night at dinner, Seth got mad at me when he asked me to help him figure out carb amounts.  He didn't like the amount that I suggested, so he started yelling at me.  I knew his BG was high, due to his irrational behavior, but the issue he brought up with me is that he no longer wants me to do 3 am testing at home and doesn't see the point for it since dad isn't doing it on vacation and he's fine...further he thinks the best way to die would be in his sleep, so who cares, if it happens, it happens.  :(  (Seriously, if I have anything to do about that, it will not happen on my watch)

When I pulled the BG records a couple of days later when we got home, I found that Seth's BG was very consistently in the 200-300 range with a couple of spikes in the 400 range. He must have felt like crap the whole vacation.

Now that we are home, it has been hard getting Seth's numbers in range.  When I go to test him at 3 am, he is not happy.  He  is sneaking food and not covering for it...and I am just struggling with it all.

Because Mark has not done the research, he does not seem to understand the seriousness of long term high blood sugar numbers.  And when I mention them, he thinks I am being dramatic.  So, we are at odds on this and I am, once again, exhausted.

I am humbled

This morning as Seth and I were in the kitchen making breakfast and lunches, I tentatively asked him how he thought the visit with Grandma and Grandpa went.  Seth looked at me and said "fine".  I said "really, because I was kind of upset".  Seth said "about the food comments?  I was getting mad about those."

I explained to him the reasons I was upset and finished with what I thought was a triumphant parenting moment.  "Your dad and I are don't want your life to be any different because of diabetes and I want people to understand that."

Seth looked at me and very quietly said "but it is mom".  I asked him how and his response was:

"My life is different because I have to have shots every day just to live.  Normal people don't do that.  I have to poke my fingers 8-10 times a day to test my blood.  Normal people don't do that.  In December, I could snack and eat whenever I wanted.  Since January, I am hungry all the time.  Normal people can eat whatever they want, whenever they want.  My life is VERY different and it is different BECAUSE of diabetes."

I blinked back tears and looked at this little man of mine...wise beyond his years and I apologized.  I told him I was sorry that I had been saying it wrong and in the process hurting him.  I stressed that it was not intentional.  I finished by saying that I want him to grow up understanding that Diabetes will be an everyday part of his life, but it does not have to limit him or stop him from achieving his dreams.  He thought about it and decided that was an acceptable thing to say, he could live with that.

Today, I was taught my most valuable D lesson by my son and I am humbled by his wisdom.

Family...

DH is uber close to his family.  This past weekend was a gun show, so his mom and dad made the 12 hour drive up so the guys could go to the gun show and the girls could go do something fun.  This is the first time we have seen family since Seth's diagnosis.  Everyone was excited, because it is always a fun time when Grandma and Grandpa come to town...and this time Grandma and Grandpa brought a surprise for Seth.  His cousin Hunter.  They are very close in age, only a couple of months a part, and true buddies.

Saturday, the guys got up and went to the gun show, girls went and got pedicures so that we didn't clear out the park next week with our icky winter feet once we donned flip flops. 

But...Saturday evening when we had Lasagna (Seth's favorite meal) for dinner (1 cup or 1/12th of a pan = 32 carbs)  I heard this: "Now Seth, just because you CAN have 60 carbs, doesn't mean you HAVE to.  If you have less carbs, you won't need to take as much insulin, and in the long run that will be a lot better for you.  Really you should just be eating the salad."  My mom antennae were at full mast.  I explained that Seth can eat anything he wants, including lasagne, we just have to dose the proper amount of insulin.  I also explained that not eating enough of a balanced diet will cause ketones for Seth...Ketones = not good, it means the body is breaking itself down for energy.  I added the hairy eyebrow for effect and dished my son up, and when he asked for another 1/2 portion of lasagne, I told him yes, because I had anticipated that and allowed enough insulin for it.  And Seth was really excited when he got to have 6 of the mini cream puffs for desert.  6 equaled 15 carbs.  AND bonus, when bedtime came around, Seth was low, he got to eat a few more.  Take THAT D!

The next morning, I made a nice pot of homemade rolled oats for breakfast and helped Seth figure out the proper dosing for that.  He also had a nice thick piece of ham with it, so he would have some protein.  Again, I heard it and AGAIN I explained.

When dinner came around and it was time to eat our pork roast with mashed potatoes and gravy...Seth was again given the lecture, this time it was thrown in that he needs to just learn to not eat sugar or carbs so he can be healthy and live longer.  I had HAD it at that point.

I understand that the family is concerned about Seth and that they love him and want him to live a long and healthy life and so I get that these comments were coming from fear.  Mark and I are working hard so that Seth doesn't feel different.  We are not going to sit there and eat something in front of Seth that he cannot eat.  That would be mean and unfair.

Sigh...I thought I had done a good job of explaining and educating our family about D.  I need to do more...after Walt Disney World.  I guess I won't post any food pics.  :)

Dreams Fulfilled

I have long had a love and passion for Disney.  I have been to Disneyland several times, but never Walt Disney World.  It has long been a dream of mine to be able to go and be able to share that with my children, it opened the year I was born, so we just shared our 40th birthdays.  Well, last year Mark and I decided to make that dream a reality.  We have planned virtually every detail of this trip, made advanced dinner reservations, and began our countdown. For several months we told the kids that just Daddy and I were going.  We had a lot of fun with that and they were very miffed at being left at home.  Fast forward to Christmas day and we could finally share the news that we would be taking our first family vacation....yes, they would be coming with us.  The kids were very excited and we let them help finalize some of the plans.  Tickets to Legoland were bought for a guys day, the girls are going to eat dinner with the princesses and go to pick a pearl at Epcot.  AND THEN...D joined us.  I am sure the nurses and doctors thought we were crazy, because we were all wondering how to do D on our vacation?  Would we have to cancel?  The information was so overwhelming, how would we do all of that at home let alone on a cross country vacation?

The day after we were discharged from the hospital, we met with Seth's primary caregiver and she quickly dispelled any qualms we might have had.  We told her our concerns and she quietly listened and when we were done she very kindly said:

"How exciting!  I think Alaskans don't get out very often and a trip like this is important.  We need a break from the dark and the cold and we don't have a lot of food options here.  So go on your vacation and do what you want and eat where you want.  Do the best that you can at figuring his carbs, take extra insulin, take your cell phone and take my phone number.  Your phone will work from Florida and we will manage this."

I fell in love with her right then and there.  I am so grateful that she GETS how important this is and that Seth wants and needs to feel as normal as possible while we are there.  We are not going to be total gluttons, but we will allow him a little bit more leeway to enjoy himself while on vacation....after all, this is not something we do every day.  :)

They just updated park hours today and one of the days that we are there, Magic Kingdom will be open until 3 a.m.  We all wanted that to happen so bad, because only resort guests get to take advantage of that, lots of families do not do it because their little ones fall asleep, a lot of times you can just walk off and right back onto a ride and then when you are walking out of the park, you can get pictures of the castle, etc. with just your family because the park is pretty much deserted...I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS!!!

Be still my beating heart, I am so excited to fulfill this dream.  We will begin packing next weekend.  Need to read the TSA website to see how we will need to carry Seth's supplies on board with us, I do not trust expensive medicines like that to be checked.

So we are taking D on the road only 2 months in, this will be an adventure for sure.

~B

Baby...It's COLD

FIRST POST FROM MY REVIVED GREEN MACHINE...THIS MAKES ME VERY HAPPY!

This is what I woke up to this morning.  It is cold outside.  The weatherman had been predicting....I was hoping he would be wrong.  But when I opened the door to put the dogs out and the ice fog came rolling in our living room, I wondered.  When the cold hit our dogs in the face and they faltered before stepping onto the front porch, I suspected and when I opened the door to let them back in a few seconds later and saw that they had done their business on the porch...I knew.  Lovely.  It's a good thing I love those little stinkerbutts.  I grabbed my iphone as I went on the front porch to clean up their present for me and grabbed these pictures for you.

We haven't seen 50 below for a few years here...not that I miss it.  But there is also an eerie beauty that comes with those temps.  Best viewed from inside the house no doubt.  And I am so glad today is not a work day, because there are no shut downs up here for extreme temperatures, life goes on.  Really glad my life is going on from inside my house today.  :)

~B

Warm Hearts

The weatherman says we should expect temps to reach 50 below zero this evening.  As long as I have lived here, this number still fills me with dread.  Ugh.  I am so over winter and all that comes with it.  I am ready for summer and sunshine, heat to warm my cold bones and permeate my soul.  We are heading that direction.  Yesterday as I was closing the shades at work at 3:55, I noticed that it was light and a flicker of hope took hold.  December 22 is the solstice and it is a much celebrated day in our household.  That is the day we turn the corner and start gaining seconds and then minutes to our day.  By June we will have 20+ hours of sun....ooh I long for those days.  For now I just have to content myself knowing that we are slowly creeping towards that.

Tonight on my way home from work, I will stop at the store to pick up the few groceries that we need and then we plan to hunker down for the weekend and relax, and get some much needed rest.  There is a plan in place for a late night snack for Seth so that his number will sustain him through the night so he can sleep in.  He has asked for this and our weary bodies agree...we need this.  We are going off the hospitals schedule {GASP} and doing what our family needs this weekend, recovering.  I am counting the hours until I get off work, I am on lunch now...3 more hours to go.

Yesterday when I returned to work, I had a package from someone who is becoming a dear friend to me.  It has been interesting to see who has pulled closer in this challenge.  Anyway, my friend {J} had sent me a care package at work.  I was so touched at her thoughtful gifts:  A cuddly teddy bear, a bag of hugs (cause everyone needs a hug) and 2 diabetic cookbooks to help us with meal planning.  One of the cookbooks is by Better Homes and Gardens and in ginormous bold print on the edge of each page is the carb count per serving...I LOVE THIS..  Seth was so excited when I brought it home last night.  He immediately picked out a few recipes to try this weekend.  The other cookbook is all deserts, so we also have a few cookie recipes to try out too.

I also want to shout out to another family that has been amazing...the {D} family.  Quite simply...I love this family.  Every.single.one.of.them.  {T} was the first person I called upon diagnosis, because she is amazing and a friend and because I knew her sister {T} has this condition and lives an incredible life.   AK {T} called and texted me every day in the hospital, she spoke with her sister in AZ who emailed me blog links and links to diabetes sites, that have been invaluable lifelines to me so far.  AZ {T} has offered support and assured me she is a phone call or an email away if I have any questions, she has reminded me of things I learned in the hospital but are in the recesses of my foggy mind.  And then there is AK {T's} husband also a {T} (all the T's get confusing, just know that every single one of them is a selfless example of love and service and  if they are in your life, you are richly blessed).  Anyway, right before Christmas, my beloved lime green laptop crashed.  I was devastated.  I had a senior photo session that I still needed to edit, and I don't watch a lot of TV, I edit my pictures, digital scrapbook and surf.  I was devastated.

After I got through the urgency of Seth's diagnoses, I emailed my friend {T} to ask her to have her husband {T} give me a quote for fixing my computer.  He said if I could get it to him that weekend he would take it to work with him that week and let me know what was up.  Turns out, my dead battery had blown my power cord (I was thinking it was my motherboard which would equal an expensive fix), but there were a few other issues and since he had it, he would just get everything running smoothly for me again and return it the following (today!) weekend.  So, I promptly ordered a new power cord and 9 cell battery and am waiting to pick up my baby.  How incredibly kind of him to get me up and running again.

I have been so touched by people (both friends and strangers) who have taken the time to comment or to email and let me know they are reading my blog and are touched by my story or off a kind word of support or solidarity in our fight against D.  There are warriors all around me, and it is wonderful to know I am not alone in this.

As I take the time to look around this cold frontier I live in, I am surrounded by people with the warmest of hearts.  People who act as the hands of god and serve their fellow man.  I feel so blessed to have these people in my life and know that soon, I will be in a position again to actively look for opportunities to serve outside of my house with a warm and willing heart.

Balance + Cute Shoes

Tuesday night, I passed out at 10:30, anxious for the warm bliss of sleep and to escape from D for a few hours.  At 3:00 a.m. my alarm shrilly awoke me.  As I threw back the covers, Peanut grunted her unhappiness at being woken at such a rude hour, cracked one eye to see if I was going to make her get up and promptly fell back asleep.  I crept quietly to the door by the blue light of the satellite and turned the knob.  Gently I turn on the hall light, even our wiener dogs, who love to sound the alarm, are too tired to even care who creeps about our house that evening.  I’m torn between gratitude and annoyance, because really we ask so little of them.  I grab the testing kit and go sit on the edge of Seth’s bed.  I pull his hand out from under the warm cocoon of blankets, prick the surface and gently squeeze.  Nothing comes.  So I change the lancet and try again, nothing.  What the heck?  I try once more and again, nothing.  I am so frustrated, I am normally the person who can get blood when no one else can.  My tired brain tries to think of what to do.  Hmm, I finally realize that my bladder is screaming so loudly I can think of nothing else.  I run to the bathroom to silence it’s scream and then head back to Seth’s room.  This time, the dog barks viciously as I approach…really?  I’ve been up for 5 minutes at this point, some watch dog you are.  Seth wearily throws his arm at me, then snatches it back and yells “I’ll do it!”.  He gets it on the first poke, I won’t enlighten him that this is actually the 4^th poke to his poor fingers, thought I suspect he knows.  95.  Go back to sleep son, see you in the morning.

I crawl back in bed, close my eyes and toss and turn.  After about 45 minutes I begin to see pulses of light.  Oh please no.  The pulses get bigger and I know I need to take my migraine medication, but if I do, it will knock me out and I will be of no use in 2 hours when it is time to get kids up for school.   And so begins the inner battle of a working mother. Do I, don’t I, what do I do?  The headache continues to worsen until I ultimately decide that I will stay home from work, so I battle the headache until it is time to wake the kids up.   Except…once Seth realizes I am staying home he begs and pleads and cries to stay home too, because he’s tired and he HATES school.  Ugh!  Now I get to deal with my pounding head, sketchy vision and a uber cranky kid, lovely.  I put on my mean mommie face and make him go to school because I know that with D there will be days that he can’t go to school and this is not one of them.  I get him on the bus and thank Heavenly Father that Leah was kind enough to offer to get herself ready for school so I can go back to bed at 7 (she leaves at 8:30), right now she is my favorite child.  I take my medicine, use Peace and Calm essential oil and collapse into bed and blessed dark sleep.

I don’t remember exactly what happened after that, but I know when I woke up at noon with a slight headache, Mark was in bed and I had a now melted ice pack on my head.  Mark said when he came in I was moaning and mumbling, all he could understand was migraine.  Bless his heart for administering the icepack.

I realized when I went downstairs and surveyed my trashed house with laundry that needs to be done and dishes that are piled in the sink…this is the first time I have been alone since Seth’s diagnosis.  We have been so busy trying to put everything in place for Seth, that I’ve had no time to clean or think about anything but D.  So you know what I did?  I bought shoes for my family for our upcoming trip to Walt Disney World.  Seriously, how cute are these?  Crocs have come a long way my friend!

I made dinner reservations for our vacation.  I looked at lanyards and id pouches.  I didn’t clean or do laundry, I didn’t get a head start on dinner.  I simply enjoyed myself yesterday afternoon.  And I went to bed early and slept so hard that I slept right through Seth’s 3am check.  I woke with a pang of guilt at 6 and checked his number, 95.  Whew!  That WILL NOT become a habit.

So today, I am feeling only slightly tired, but more balanced than I have felt since this whole rollercoaster began.  Yesterday’s migraine was worth the peace I got to feel yesterday afternoon.  I need to do better at being more balanced in my daily life.

Mom’s need sick days too!

Our Terms

I came across a diagnosis story today on a blog and this mom shared something that her daughters wise and kind nurse said to them their first evening in the hospital...after my pity post earlier, this quote really jumped out and empowered me:

"He told us that we were beginning a life long journey with diabetes and the sooner we made friends with it, the easier it would be because it is much easier to carry a friend than an enemy."

These words spoke to my heart.  I can't fight this, it's not going to change anything.  There is no cure.  There is only acceptance, after all, what is the alternative? 

So diabetes:  We didn't invite you into our family, but since you are here...we fully accept you in our lives so that we may live with you on OUR TERMS.  You will not hold us back or define us, you will just be another part of our story as we continue to live our extraordinary life.

The Dustins
Living with T1D

Drama Queen

So Leah suffers from the typical youngest child syndrome.  She doesn't think she gets enough attention.  This kind of cracks our family up because she is the neediest of all our children put together. She is definately feeling displaced with the attention her brother has been receiving lately.

This afternoon at work my cell phone rang. I ran from the circulation desk and grabbed it just as it went to voice mail.  I immediately called home to make sure everything was okay.  When Leah answered the phone, I could hear her tearful voice.  Oh no, my mind started racing.  I asked her what was wrong.  She tearfully responded that she needed to talk to me when I got home from work.  I told her I would rather talk to her now as I was worried.  She refused.  So I proceeded to grill her:

Did something happen at school?  Yes.

Are you okay?  I think so.

Is the principal going to be calling me?  I don't think so.

Do I need to call the principal? No.

Did someone do something to you? No.

Did you start your period? NO!

At this point, Leah was tired of being interrogated, so she broke down and told me to just hurry home and to honk when I pulled into the garage so we could talk privately.  What on earth is going on?

I decided it was probably girlie hormonal issues that she didn't want to discuss with her dad and finished out my day.

I got home at 4:45 and pulled into the garage.  My car was so happy to be in a warm garage, it seriously thought I was abusing it parking outside today...but I digress.

Leah came out to the car and I could see tears on her face.  Oh no!  This had to be much worse than I thought.  She gets into the car and covers her face.  I started a little freak out at that point and DEMANDED she tell me what was going on.

She looked up, her eyes sparkling with laughter and said "I got the solo in choir!"

Then why are you crying?

I sprayed water on my eyes, I'm not crying.  I'm excited!!!

OMGADS.  Can you say drama queen?  {Terri are you reading, I'm raising your child!!!} I don't know if I am going to survive raising her.

My Family

This picture was taken this summer, June 2011, on the beach down the road from my in-laws.  It took a monumental effort to talk everyone into taking the picture, and I was so surprised at how easy it was once we got there.  I treasure this family picture.  So here we are.  We are the Dustin's.  My husband Mark and myself (Becky) have been married for 16 years.  We have 3 children, who mean the world to us.  We would do anything for them...little did we know that in 6 short months, we would be faced with a life changing event.

My husband is a hard working railroader.  Though he has 13 years on the property, his seniority is still so low that he continues to work nights...which makes him a day sleeper.  Blergh...not fun.

I am working as a librarian's assistant in one of the high schools in our school district and taking online college courses, waiting for an elementary librarian position to open up so I can begin the career of my dreams.

I was a stay at home mom until my children started full time school, at which time I began working for the school district.  I feel so blessed to have been able to stay home with our children until then.

Our oldest daughter, Ashlyn lives in Utah.  She is taking a break from college while she decides what she actually wants to be when she grows up.  She plans to return home this summer and work for one of the local tourist companies.

Seth is our middle child, he turned 12 in November and attends the local middle school as a 6th grader.  Seth joined the wrestling team in November, which turned out to be a HUGE blessing as it allowed us to track his weight loss and see that we had a problem much sooner than would normally be caught.  My condition for his joining the wrestling team was that he not drop weight to make a weight class.  Our family is a bit on the "pooh" side and we struggle with weight issues, so I didn't want to create body image issues in our 12 year old.

Leah is our youngest.  She is 10 and will turn 11 in April.  Leah loves to sing and by love, I mean LOVES to sing.  (She is singing in the shower upstairs as I type).  Leah is super sensitive and very compassionate.

Along with our children, we have 4 (yes 4) dogs.  Dixie a Brittany Spaniel, Mitzy (Seth's) a weiner dog, Fritz (Leah's) weiner dog and my baby...Peanut, a yorkie.

This makes for a pretty crazy house and I seriously do not know how hubby sleeps during the day when the dog pound starts barking, but we love them too, so we make do.

I decided to start this blog to document our journey with diabetes.  I know it will help me to have a place to lay it out in black and white and to have a place for my feelings.  It is my desire to be honest and open and to educate so that family and friends can use this as a resource to understand our life and how fully it has changed with this.  Lastly, maybe it will help someone on their families diabetic journey.

Thank you for joining me on the journey!

~Becky